Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Reality check!

How funny that this card would come up today on my Facebook. I'll explain below.

The Chariot is the representation of victory and a reminder that, through dedication and perseverance, great obstacles can be overcome. This card indicates that you are in control of your destiny and that your will is strong. Your refusal to surrender is your great attribute at this time. You will soon find yourself in a difficult situation that requires you to be in complete control of your actions and confident in your abilities.

Seriously, it makes me want to cry with pride and a little trepidation. Today I think I have come to the realization that I have an eating disorder, if I have to put a label on it. Yes, it's true. Frankly, I'm tired of hiding it. I actually think I'm hiding it but not really. I've told my hubby before that I was a food hider and said he knew. And I said how, defiantly and he said well I find wrappers here and there. Oh!

So when I was talking to him about it today he said well, why do you hide it. You are who you are and I love you no matter what you eat. I said I didn't know maybe it was a control thing or I'm ashamed of it. Two very good reason but another is that I'm afraid he'll think I'm disgusting. I've heard that before. But I don't want my husband to think that and I will never really know for sure even though he says he wouldn't or how much I trust him. It's too difficult. But I will talk about it.

I've always been pretty open about my issues on here and I think I'll still have to use this as an outlet for me feelings and trials in this somewhat new territory of eating issues. Okay, it's not new. I've been an over eater for most of my adult life. I like food. I love the taste and texture and I love how it makes me feel complete and in control. I know it's a farce, it doesn't really do that, it gives the illusion that all is right in the world and really it isn't.

I do have issues with food stemming from growing up but you know what I don't blame my parents, they did the best they could with what they knew. It's the damn nurse that told my mother to put sugar in my milk when I was a baby, that could be one reason I crave sugar all the time. Frankly, I'm surprised that I'm not diabetic by now and very thankful that I'm not. I have a choice now to help myself and if I choice to do this then I have to face some deeply ingrained issues into my psyche.

I have to get past the empty plate club, overeating, taking seconds, snacking every chance I get because I'm stressed and busy and just plain crazy with my life. I have to learn how to eat again, from the beginning. I have to teach myself that I'm full and that I don't need a second helping of mashed potatoes—one reason I make them about twice a month. I don't need that bag of M&M's to make myself feel better or to give myself a treat. I have to overcome the sweet tooth and salty tooth.

So over the course of the next little while I guess I'll give a glimpse into the eating thoughts of this over eater. It will be painful and maybe too much to watch so do so at your own risk.

Today I weighed 286lb on my scale at home this morning.


Anonymous said...

love to you
your body will be all you dreamed of one day
I know you know it takes time
so one day at a time
love you lots

©Jac said...

Good luck!