Tuesday, August 17, 2010

It's been some time since I've written and some time since I've written regularly. Life happens and sometimes we lose what we are close to or things we love.

Just over a year ago I learned my boys had a younger sister. It was devastating to say the least and it's changed my life since. I'm still married and we are mending our marriage as only we can. It was a very personal decision and I've had so many feelings over the last year.

I hate that I felt humiliated when I did nothing wrong. But I persevere. I'm not a callous person and I'm told I have too big a heart but I forgive and I guess I'm in a better place than a lot of other people in my situation. I was seeing a counselor who told me I had a very healthy outlook on life and maybe this has made me the person I am and helped me to move through this unchartered water.

The girl child has come into our home and hearts and is connecting with her brothers, father and myself who takes care of her while her mother works later hours than I do.

I'm not a perfect person and I've made my share of mistakes in life just like any other human being and I don't always have control of all my emotions but I don't think I've ever had so many emotions in one year as I have this past year. I'm also learning the measure of a person I am. The forgiveness and love I have in my heart.

I've found some great support in friends and family and a wonderful online board dedicated to this kind of situation. I feel like I'm in a great place and my marriage is moving into a better place everyday and we have an addition to our family.

The one thing I've done in the last year has been that I sheltered myself, I felt like I had a huge gossip target on my body and I tried to avoid it. I stopped going to my weekly craft night, I only socialized with a couple of close friends, I didn't talk to anyone about it except those few friends.

We've been having in home visits since January and since then I've had to deal with the questions and I'm not at the point of not being embarrassed as I as at the beginning of the summer. I'm glad I got to this place because I don't want to feel this way and I don't want any perceived emotions to be transferred or interpreted the wrong way by my boys or the little girl.

So I'm in a better place that way and I talk about it openly with those people I interact with, if it should come up. It has on occasion now. Someone will ask me questions and I answer honestly. I have nothing to be ashamed of and I stand by my family no matter what.

The boys are doing well and thriving. Kale had a great summer with his own support worker and there were very few incidents during the summer months. He is improving so much as he gets older and I'm so very proud of him. He started Grade 4 today. He still reading, writing and drawing, being creative.

Mickey is turning into that 5 year old who doesn't listen very well but I see that things will improve. He's still got this horrible scream when he's hurt or annoyed and we are really trying to quell that. But he's still my sweet boy. He's very much into playing games right now and the computer.

Mica is doing great. He starts Headstart today, so that is great. So he'll be going to 3 different childcare each day right now. But he loves to sing and loves his equipment (dump trucks, graders, backhoes, etc...) just love them.

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