Sunday, July 17, 2011


Journaling Prompt from Sometimes Sweet.
The older we get, the more certain we get about who we are and what our purpose is.  For me, a lot of it is still unknown, but as I make my way down my own path, I have begun to realize that there are indeed some inevitable truths that I know for sure. On your own blog, write a post that talks about "the one thing you know for sure."

Growing up my mind was always set on being a mother. I knew, I knew that one day I would have babies. I wanted three and here I am years and years later....mother to three!

They are my life, they are my world. I didn't come by them easily.

When I met my future husband, there was no future us. I was fresh out of a relationship and he was living the single life. I was fairly young and he was 15 years older than I. We worked with the same company and my Mom had already warned me against him but there was something about him that drew me. At first he came across arrogant and high on himself but the more I got to know him, I was totally wrong.
He came from a big family with lots of older sisters. He was witty, smart and had a wicked sense of humour. He's been married and divorced and had children not all that much younger than me. I knew right from the beginning that he didn't want any of the things that I wanted- marriage or any more children. I was fine with that I had planned on going back to school or moving back down to the City after the summer but by then it was too late, I was in love with him and it was torture.
I went a way in September ready to move and when I came back he had missed me, more than he had planned. It was the beginning. My parents were not pleased but we stayed together and moving in the following February. My perceptions changed, my life changed, I grew more confident, I started to believe in myself and he helped me with that and at times it was still a struggle with him because we came from different backgrounds, totally different upbringings.
Two years in I started talking about kids and he hadn't changed his mind but I still talked about it and four years into our relationship he agreed to have a baby with me. He loved me and wanted to make me happy. At this point I wasn't interested in getting married. He'd basically convinced me that it wasn't a good idea, that we didn't need a piece of paper to be together and declare our love. It was the beginning of big changes in how I think.
It took a five months of trying to get pregnant and we were both very happy when it became apparent that the little Bean was growing. Kale would be born 9 months later, I knew almost immediately that I was pregnant.
A few months into the pregnancy, Hubs told me that we should get married. Well, pick my jaw up off the floor.
I wasn't convinced since now I didn't really believe in marriage anymore but eventually I agreed. I was seven months pregnant when we married. He wanted his son to have his last name. It was only natural to want a second child after the first and it did take a bit of talking about. I wanted my children close together but it ended up taking nine months to get pregnant with Mickey. That time was very special and stressful. Having a second child didn't really change too much in our lives.
We figured that having a third child wouldn't be too much different than the last two. While we dealt with everything under the sun with Kale, Mickey had turned out to be the most easy going baby with no issues. So adding a third seemed only natural for us. I knew it would take some time to get pregnant and it would be give me time to really heal and get used to the idea. Only thing was we got pregnant in the first month.
I guess Mica was bound and determined to come to us. At this point Hubs didn't want any more children but he didn't want to get a vasectomy and being the people pleaser that I am, I decided that I would get my tubes tied and that would be that, no more birth control for me.
So when Mica was born and the doctor asked me if I was really sure and I wasn't because I had always thought that I would have a daughter. I told him yes anyway and he proceeded. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I will give this advice and I hope you take it, when deciding to make big changes like this always wait until you are very ready and not a hormonal mess and make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. If there is one regret in my life, it is that I had my tubes tied. I was trying to make everything easy for my Husband instead of taking care of myself first.
The next two years I was in depression over it, I found being a parent to 3 extremely hard and I was lax in everything from parenting to house upkeep to being a wife.
As a person I am constantly growing and learning except during this time, I was not creative, I didn't write or do anything except read fiction and watch tv. I wasn't my usual growing self. I'm a person who is always looking for answers, always trying to expand and grow and learn more. I read, I research, I expand.
Kale struggled and I struggled. I worked to find a solution, a way to fix myself and become a better mother but it was an upward battle. I felt alone and unloved. I didn't believe in myself. I basically clawed my way back to being me. I could see all that I was missing and I came back. I got into a great exercise routine, I was becoming a more patient mother and was closer to my Husband again, throughout it all though I knew he had my back. I was the one who made the changes because I knew I had to make myself happy again. I ate better, lived better by exercising and changing my lifestyle. Unfortunately, I had another set back. We did what we needed to do to make our marriage whole again and it's still a work in progress and next week we celebrate 10 years of marriage.
The discovery of my Dad's aggressive and late stage cancer was a huge setback and I struggle all winter until he passed on and now I struggle in my grief of his loss. I struggle because I feel like this is a private struggle and I don't want to burden my friends with my sadness. But contrary to that belief, I know who my friends are now and how they stand by me. We have a great group and I feel very blessed to have them in my life.
But one thing that I know for sure is that I will never stop trying, learning and growing to be a good mother to my boys. I will never stop loving them and I will continue to work on my own issues so I can be there for them each and everyday and be a whole person for them.

One thing I know for sure is that I won't stop trying, I won't stop learning and changing.

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