My mind has been foggy and wretched. Life has a way of sneaking up on you sometimes. Your brain can go all mushy and you don't even realize it. I've always been one to face things head on and deal. Life is full of tragedy and sometimes its just too much. I've face a lot of loss in the last two years.
I've kept busy. Not on purpose really but because I work full time. Have a husband, 3 sons and a weekly visitor on top of housework and all the projects I find myself doing. Plus, my brother, my nephew and mother need me at times. I haven't had time to think about what is going on, how it's effected me. I've slowly not dealt with anything because I've been busy, it caught up with me.
I miss my Dad a lot, he was a huge part of my life and this summer has been especially hard without him. He was my rock, my force, he kept me steady and on the right line. I went to him for advice and support and he was always there. I think about him all the time and I miss him everyday. My life will never be the same without him and I know that I have to grieve and accept all of this. I don't have a choice in this matter. So it's time.
I was having emotional breakdowns, crying at the drop of a hat. I've known I've had depression since I was sixteen but never faced it, never wanted help. But when you have loss after loss as I have had in the last two years, that depression can build up and I didn't realize it. I've been grieving what I thought my marriage was, the loss of friendship, the loss of never having a girl and my fertility and now my Dad. Loss can takes it toll. I'm a strong woman and I can take good care of myself usually. Ha! That's why I keep smoking (yes I started again on the camping trip) and weigh too much (no worries I'm finally getting back on track and losing again). I think not. I haven't been dealing with it in the right way. So I sought help and I'm getting it and it's been a month and I'm feeling better, slowly.
I tried fighting my way out but I finally came to the realization that I had to have a little help from some drugs and I now have that. So things are looking up. I can now make the decisions I need to make, get on the right track to make myself better, to be healthy, a good mother and concentrate on my marriage better. We've done some much work on our marriage in the last two years, it's been amazing and I'm so happy at how far we have come.
I have surrounded myself with friends and family who love me and want me in their life. I make an effort to be there for them, to hang out with them and I realize that I can only be me and continue to be me. I've always considered myself a good friend and listener and I've only ever expected the same from my friends. I get that from them. I've never considered myself to be a person with drama, I've had to face some tough issues the last two years that I never thought I would deal with or have had to deal with before so yes life became different for me. At times I have felt like a whiner to my friends but they assure me that life is like that sometimes, there is give and take and compromise and I love them for that.
Life is finally starting to slow down, we have a good routine, the boys are doing exceptionally well, making great progress in becoming the good people I know they will be. The years have been tough on them too! When your parents are having a hard time, then the kids are having a hard time and I've always kept that in mind, reached out for help and support where I can get it and used resources to help me achieve what I haven't been able to do on my own for them. But I'm getting back to it, so that feels good.
I'm a person who is always learning and changing and I find that for awhile there I was not that person and I'm slowly becoming that person again. Being creative is helping, my mind is expanding again and I'm coming home again. I'm happy with that.
The perfect quote: