Tuesday, August 04, 2015

It's been a busy day/weekend. Impromtu ladies night. It was so  nice because I got a great meal, a nice massage, laughed until my face hurt, shared stories, we talked and talked. I love these woman. I slept in this morning and then off to a Detox Cooking class and then quilting for the rest of the afternoon. Now it's some down time with the family.

We didn't do much not that we ever do. We just hang out with each other. I've always liked days like this. I like our own company. I do wish we had more of a tribe around us.

I had a short visit with my Mom and have been busy procrastinating! Ha! Quilting needs to be done. My cousin is getting married this weekend and I need to finish this quilt. it shouldn't take long. I'm on the last stages and I have four days. Lots of time!

I started my detox yesterday. I don't necessarily believe in detoxes but I did want a kick in the butt, a jump start to my healthier eating. I really should have started at the beginning of summer when there was more great produce up here. I haven't even read my book yet to start the process. So I'm doing this 3 day detox and then this other 30 day cleanse, after that I should be set for my transition.

It seems extreme even to me, but I feel like I need it. My biggest problem is food, I love it. I love good tasting comfort food. What I am learning is that you can combine all these really great foods and they have amazing flavours and textures.

1 snack I loved was 2 mejool dates stuffed with almond butter and sprinkled with cinnamon. Yum! So tasty.

So I'm gong to continue journaling thing way for now and we'll see where all this writing takes me. So far it's making me happy!

Friday, July 31, 2015

What I know about myself is true. I want to be kind to everyone and I try to teach this to my children, they are boys so it may be longer for them to realize this concept. I don't to hurt anyone. I've made mistakes in my past and I don't ever mean to repeat them. I am fundamentally who I have always been human and flawed but trying to be good all the time.

I try not to analyse myself as much these days. I'm a total thinker. And I know myself super well. But my coach has asked me a few times if it was okay for me to have a thought and move on and just tell myself that it's a thought. Because the more we dwell on things the harder it is to move on. I've been practicing this and well I don't know how long it will take. I'll just continue to build my peace of mind with meditation.

Thursday, July 30, 2015


I`m still struggling with this depression. I wonder if I will ever overcome it. In just a few short years things have changed and more will change.

I`ve been writing again. I`ve been journaling. I`m amazed at what I found out when I read back in my journals. How I allowed myself to be treated and how even then I was in a silly cycles of self destructive thinking. Forty years old and here I am still. It`s hard to see these things down. I`m glad for the changes I`ve made and the changes to come.

I wish I could say I was perfect and made no mistakes but that is not true. I`ve never been good at saying what I want, saying the truth, I always told people what they wanted to hear. I was afraid of retribution and hurting. I had one friend who trained me that way. At the beginning of the friendship I was honest with her and she didn`t like what I said and I wasn`t blatant or anything, I just asked her questions. She stopped speaking to me for months and then came back and we resumed and this happened a couple of more times. So I learned to tell her what she wanted to hear. It was so tough. We are not longer friends, we were not good for each other no matter how much we loved each other, all we did was hurt each other with good intention and well we know how that goes.

I`m no longer good at playing games, at playing at being something I`m not. I surround myself now with people I can be honest with. Kindred spirits. that deserve my kind words, my love and my compassion. I no longer judge or am jealous of things because it`s the people who matter.

What I`m becoming good at, is recognizing when I`m in a downward spin and when I need to reach out. I`ve always had such a hard time reaching out to friends.  My friend above was supposed to be my go to person but she turned out to not give a damn about me. I had learned the hard way. I walked away from that friendship, it was finally me taking care of myself. It was one of the hardest things I`ve had to do and when I`m in my downward spiral it`s one of the things I dwell on. It`s not that I regret walking away. It`s that I miss what it was at one time. It was good, it was reassuring. I felt complete. These things don`t last sometimes. There are things I dwell on when I`m sad, I miss my friendship, like I miss my Dad or I pine for a little girl I`ll never have or a few other things. These are my dark thoughts.

But then I think of the things that I was grateful for. My father loved me unconditionally. I know that he loved me and was proud of me. I have a family who love me and support me. I once had a true best friend and I will have again someday I may not grow old with the first one but I`have friends around me that will be there for me. I just have to ask.  They proved that this weekend when I was feeling down and I got lots of visits and hugs. So loved! I have friend who love me and show me all the time. They make me laugh, they keep me strong and I love them. I have 3 beautiful sons that I love so much and am so very proud of. I`m still young, I still have my brain and I know I`m smart and I can work through any problem.

My heart sings with happiness at all that I have in my life and all the adventure my future brings. I crave change and it may take a little while but soon we`ll be out of debt, and we save everyday for our dreams.  I am happy even when I`m on a little downward spin because I turned it around and come right back up!

Monday, June 29, 2015

40 things about me

I see lists like this floating around out there and since I'm coming up to a big birthday why not!

1. I was born, raised and still live in the same town.

2. Why don't I leave? I think part of me is scared to.

3. We plan on visiting to see if it's a place to live in 3 to 4 years time. Costa Rica!

4. I wonder everyday how my boys are going to turn out. Being the age they are where they disagree with everything I say and fight with each other and use inappropriate language, I wonder if any of the good stuff with sink it. They are great kids but those high moment! Ugh!

5. I am a writer. I write short stories and hope to write novels someday even if it's just for me.

6. I have designed a number of quilts and they are in my design book. I have not put them out there.

7. I like the taste of chocolate and potato chips together.

8. I'm only afraid of heights when I'm with my children.

9. I worry about the dangerous things that can hurt them.

10. But at the same time I let them have independance.

11. My oldest was diagnosed with ADHD, we knew this since he was 3 but was never able to get an accurate diagnosis until last year.

12. It is now suggested that my youngest son also has signs of ADHD but has not been diagnosed yet.

13. My middle has some learning difficulties.

14. We struggle with behaviours every single day, that is ADHD life.

15. Meditation helps my stress.

16. I forget to meditate everyday.

17. The more I read the more I think I have ADD but probably not I'm just have some tendencies. :)

18. Being healthy is my top priority.

19. But I'm a procrastinator so it's usually not!

20. I used to have a high stress job that I succeeded at and then my job changed.

21. My whole life I have always gotten what I wanted.

22. Until I was 34.

23. I guess I was never used to disappointment and I think it gave me depression.

24. I hate having it, I hate saying I have it, I hate it being an excuse.

25. My plan was to start walking to work everyday. I do this every spring and sometimes in the later winter. Then it got really, really cold. So I didn't. Then it warmed up and I got really, really sick.

26. I have been working really hard the last two years to make myself mentally healthy.

27. I've had two amazing life/wellness coaches that have given me skills!

28. I have a tendency to jump right in and start big.

29. I'm working with my life coach to start small and take baby steps. It's a struggle. So this week I start 1 +1=1, I'm going to walk one way, once a week for 1 month.

30. I never dreamed that I would be a quilter. I absolutely love everything about quilting. I love the challenge. Because I love to be challenged and be good! I'm pretty good right now but I want to be great at it!

31. I'm a vivid dreamer, I have vivid dreams almost every single night and I remember them for a bit. I've been meaning to keep a dream journal but have not managed to do that yet!

32. I started this list back in April and it's now almost July and I'm 40 now. So I will keep going.

33. I'm afraid a lot of things like zip lining, parachuting, sky diving, scuba diving. So I think I'm scared of heights and claustrophobic. Or I'm just afraid of dying some horrible and tragic way.

34. I have a competitive streak.

35. I am a perfectionist.

36. I have to do it all and I can't fail.

37. I really believe in the mind body connection.

38. If I was go back to school now I would study the brain. It is so intriguing to me and I feel pulled in that direction sometimes.

39. We'll be completely out of debt in 3 years and then we will travel and other things.

40. Turning 40 was not that scary and I don't feel 40 at all!

Things aren't right. Mentally I'm back, feeling good and loving myself but my super achiever is still missing! What am I to do?

Everyday I work and everyday I have times when I just give up. So.................I know that my depression is not gone, I work hard all the time to let it go but then things bubble up. So I need to take to journalling again.

Meditation and yoga help a lot and one of my girlfriends just came back from being away for two years, she spent a lot of time learning yoga and can now teach it. So she's practising on our ladies group. She worked with me last week and the boys got some attention from her too. Our group is going to meet with her once a week to learn and yoga together. I'm so looking forward to it.

I really want to this to not be a my story any more. I'm going to just say it and move one.

So I've been back in the thick of quilting. I just finished a top commission and have sent it off to be professionally quilted. I can't wait to see the end result because I'm so in love with this top I don't want to give it up but I know it will go to a great guy who will take good care of it.

I used at quilt pattern called Rooted by Quilt Dad in the Fat Quarterly newsletter. I used bear claw pattern for the corner stones and then I appliquéd some bears on there. I used a whole bunch of blues, browns and greens from my collection.

Tuesday, June 09, 2015

The Big EZ II

I finished my quilt top several weeks ago but I haven't been in the blogging mood lately. I belong to an online quilting group and a lady posted a quilt that I copied. I used the same Valentina fabric that has all the pretty vibrant flowers on and the tree fabric. I managed to find then after several searches. The batik leaves fabric might be the same but I can't recall. The pinks and turquoise colours were what was in my stash. I just loved how the quilt looked and had to make my own. So this quilt once finished is for my bed. I have two custom quilt to finish, and I'm almost done them and then I can quilt this baby. It went together great, they are nice big 18" blocks. I for some reason hat trouble at the end not lining up or having the wrong color combos on them.