Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Kale has been saying the last couple of weeks that he doesn't like his name. Honestly when I named him 13 years ago, kale the vegetable wasn't barely heard of in these parts and I really didn't think about it. I just really liked the name as I heard it on a move, I can't remember the name of it but it had Gary Sinise. We of course said no, he can't change his name. I thought about it and then told him he could use one of his middle names. He tried it for a few minutes, thought about what he wanted. I was telling one of my friends and said he'd have to reintroduce himself to everyone with his new name. So he said never mind. It was too funny!
I always have thoughts on what to write and then I sit down to write and nothing. I need a little note book again. Though usually my thoughts catch me while I'm lying in bed waiting for sleep.

The other day I woke at 4 am from a weird dream where I was fleeing the authorities for some reason and my Mom was helping me escape by river. It was so weird but then I got up for a few minutes and could not for the life of me fall back asleep. I laid there an hour before I just got up and wrote for a little while. I thought my idea was really great but when I told husband about it, he didn't like it and well I didn't think he could get it since he's a white man and my story was about a first nations girl. Just my perspective. So I need to talk to a few of my girlfriends about it and see what they think.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Do you ever just feel lost? You get lost when you become an adult trying to fit in and do everything right and caring what people think. You get lost being a parent and only a parent. You get lost when you have to do the right thing instead of what you want. You get lost when yo fight mental illness. You get lost when you put others before taking care of yourself. It's hard lessons to learn and a hard habit to break.

A hold lot of that fits me. I've always wanted to fit in and be part of a group. I've been a parent for close to fourteen years and well since then my boys come first. It's been a long hard and stressful job. They have different personalities, different needs and different everything and trying to accommodate all that and still keep my sanity has been difficult. When you have a child with ADHD, it's so time consuming, stressful and as a parent you beat yourself up a lot because strategies don't always work. I'm a pro at changing how I parents in different situations. I try to keep my cool mostly. I try not to embarrass myself or my children in public. Firs and foremost my children are people and I treat them with dignity. I'm not perfect, whilst battling depression and parenting my children I have failed a lot. But the main thing is my kids know who loves them and who they can do to when they need help, advice or just to talk.

Not balancing that has been hard. I hate that I have depression and I have to work to stay stable in my emotions. Sometimes my hormones are all over the place. Plus I have diabetes, so that just does not help the depression at all and  But it's okay. As long as I exercise and meditate, I'm good. I love that.

I've learned to lean on my friends more instead of hiding in my dark place. I am coming out of my shell.

I'm trying to regain myself. My main focus lately is weigh loss because that will help with the diabetes but it's very hard and I have to work harder. My husband is very supportive and he himself is trying to change some of his habits and get healthy with me. He's barely overweight but he's older than me and wants to be healthier. He's willing to go partially plant based for food and exercise with me. He wants to learn yoga now, finally after me talking to him about it so much. I think it helps that a friend of his does it as well.

So with all this effort into the health area, I still feel like I'm missing a piece of the picture. My creative side, my passion. I keep talking about moving and I'm not even sure that is what I really want but I'm craving change at every turn. We'll see what happens.

Sunday, August 09, 2015

Wedding Quilt

I used a pattern from The Purl Bee. It's a great pattern and this is the second time I've used the pattern. My cousin was married yesterday and I managed to sew on the binding in the two hours between the ceremony and reception. That's how close it was! 

Wednesday, August 05, 2015

Time to sew, sew, sew..... Too bad I have a day job.

Well, in two days I've lost 4 lbs. Its' crazy. I feel really great. If I could sustain this level of eating, wow. I get hunger pangs but I haven't been tempted at all to eat any crappy food. I went grocery shopping yesterday and got the things I needed. Some meat for the boys and cereal. The few things I needed for my detox. It's the last day today, so I really have to have my plan together by the end of the day.

I've come across smells in town that smell really good but still I haven't been tempted. If I don't have a plan I don 't know what I will do. There is this other sugar detox and this cleanse I was looking at. Time to do some reading except well, I have a quilt to finish. It's getting there and I have 3 days. Ugh! Why do I do this to myself? I'm such a procrastinator and last minute person. Craziness!

Now, I haven't had a headache in two days and my neck hasn't really bothered me and the only thing I did different was I didn't put my hair up in a messy bun. So weird! I'll have to figure this out. Either cut my hair shorter or really short or stop putting my hair up. I gave up on making braids and ponies awhile ago but I guess it's time to start doing that again. Practice, practice.

I feel like I have a million things to do these days with winter fast approaching, there are things to be done and caught up on. This summer has flown by and I feel like I'm still spinning. Hepefully after this weekend we'll have more free time.

Tuesday, August 04, 2015

It's been a busy day/weekend. Impromtu ladies night. It was so  nice because I got a great meal, a nice massage, laughed until my face hurt, shared stories, we talked and talked. I love these woman. I slept in this morning and then off to a Detox Cooking class and then quilting for the rest of the afternoon. Now it's some down time with the family.

We didn't do much not that we ever do. We just hang out with each other. I've always liked days like this. I like our own company. I do wish we had more of a tribe around us.

I had a short visit with my Mom and have been busy procrastinating! Ha! Quilting needs to be done. My cousin is getting married this weekend and I need to finish this quilt. it shouldn't take long. I'm on the last stages and I have four days. Lots of time!

I started my detox yesterday. I don't necessarily believe in detoxes but I did want a kick in the butt, a jump start to my healthier eating. I really should have started at the beginning of summer when there was more great produce up here. I haven't even read my book yet to start the process. So I'm doing this 3 day detox and then this other 30 day cleanse, after that I should be set for my transition.

It seems extreme even to me, but I feel like I need it. My biggest problem is food, I love it. I love good tasting comfort food. What I am learning is that you can combine all these really great foods and they have amazing flavours and textures.

1 snack I loved was 2 mejool dates stuffed with almond butter and sprinkled with cinnamon. Yum! So tasty.

So I'm gong to continue journaling thing way for now and we'll see where all this writing takes me. So far it's making me happy!

Friday, July 31, 2015

What I know about myself is true. I want to be kind to everyone and I try to teach this to my children, they are boys so it may be longer for them to realize this concept. I don't to hurt anyone. I've made mistakes in my past and I don't ever mean to repeat them. I am fundamentally who I have always been human and flawed but trying to be good all the time.

I try not to analyse myself as much these days. I'm a total thinker. And I know myself super well. But my coach has asked me a few times if it was okay for me to have a thought and move on and just tell myself that it's a thought. Because the more we dwell on things the harder it is to move on. I've been practicing this and well I don't know how long it will take. I'll just continue to build my peace of mind with meditation.