Tuesday, December 05, 2017



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And around and around we go.

Life is just crazy lately. I feel so busy and can't keep up with things. Things should settle down after Christmas, I suppose! :)

I'm trying to figure out what it takes for me to save my life. This is how important it is to me but for some reason I can't keep the momentum, I can't change. So that is my negative talk right there. I've been having a fight with it the last few weeks.

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The truth is only we can fix ourselves.

If we don't take responsibility for our choices and decisions then there is no growing, there is no moving on, there is no enlightenment. We may think there is but there is not.

Religion gives us a great scapegoat.

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On Day 4.

Each day is getting better. It's hard at first to eat this way, it's so nutrient rich. And sometimes a little bland!

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Feeling so good. I was down for a few weeks, really not right in the head. All that negative energy just kept pulling me.
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I have always been afraid.
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Back in November I somehow hurt my knee. I have no clue what happened, it just started hurting. It seemed like it as swollen on the inside. It ached for some time, weeks and seemed never be going away. It went from pain to an ache with the occasional spike of pain and I've been quite careful to keep it from being injured further.
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The past weekend I spent out in a cabin by the river. It's the best little holiday one could ask for. It was part of a Family Camp through our First Nations Government. So I took a couple of my boys and nephew and we joined it. It was a great weekend with lots of activities and crafts and social visiting with friends. I made some good friends through the previous Women's Retreat and Family camp, so it was great to see them again. We got to visit and chat and enjoy the outdoors sitting by the river and just talking. It was so special.

The next morning after that I woke up sick. There has been a nasty little bug going around town and I got it. So I was home and sick in bed for two days. Now I'm not so sick but still coughing a lot and it's keeping me up.

I was very much off plan over the weekend, since they do all the cooking. It was very good food and I ate meat and dairy but did the best I could. 
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I don't even know how to start this. I haven' been in any major way blogging at all in a regular fashion in sometime. I'm just not sure where my head has been, all over the place I guess.

It's usually the same thing over and over, I go in circle I tell you. Circles. It can be frustrating at times. Right now I'm on this purpose thing. My life needs meaning. Is this depression creeping in or am I on a new path of discovery.

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Today, December 5th,

The last few months my feeble attempts to get back into blogging. I'll keep on trying. :)

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Alright, I'm back on track. Up at the crack of 5am and hit the gym shortly after, finally after a week of sleeping in. It was a sweaty morn but I feel real good now.Now to get back to biking and walking to work, if only there weren't so many bears around making me scart'. LOL! And Mom will be back soon so I won't have to use the van every day to go up the hill. Yes! I got my van back last week! I'm so very happy about that. They take good care of my van at Chief Isaac Mechanical! It's running like a dream right now!

So I feel like I'm constantly restarting my journey but maybe it's not really restarting just lagging behind for a bit and then catching up again. I really need to ...stop saying I need to. I'd like to just not worry about it and just keep moving forward.




Thursday, August 03, 2017

I couldn't fall a sleep last night. This keeps happening. Drives me crazy. Then I woke up at 4:50. Sleep or gym. So I got up and went to the gym. I kept skipping days because I was staying up to late or not being able to fall asleep. So it was a must this morning. I did a bit of walking and then I did some upper and lower body weights.

Yesterday, eating was not the best. I went for lunch with a couple of girlfriends and we had chinese food. It was good but not in my plan. Then later my other half asked me to get chinese food for dinner. He works late and we went out and had dinner with him, so all five of us were together. That just doesn't happen very often lately. So it was nice.

I feel a little hungover from all that high salt and msg food. It was good but it didn't do my body any good.

So I need to do some prep cooking for sure this weekend.

Wednesday, August 02, 2017

Struggling to get back on track 100%.

Moving from a standard american diet to a whole food plant based diet is no easy task for me. I've been at this since roughly March of 2016. Some months I flopped, others I succeeded immensely. Now, I struggle. Not sure why or what or anything but I have. When I first gave up meat and dairy completely in May of 2016, it was so easy. I didn't have an issue really except for sweets. It's always sweets.

And I've practised and I've learned a lot. It's the habit that keeps getting in the way. Or my feelings or my need for chocolate or that baked good. I've worked with a wellness coach and life life coach for the last five years and I'm slowly making progress to the old but new me after years of depression and neglect. Some days good, some not so much.

Yes here I am. Using my grit or tenacity to keeping on keeping on. I will do this, I will succeed. Right now I take each day anew. I plan what I'm going to each and it doesn't always work out but it's progress.


Monday, July 31, 2017

Practice

Losing my identity.
I think this is the feeling I feel when I lose weight. I've gone down and then back up again. I have barriers and blocks that stop me. It's all a mental game that I am playing with myself. I really don't want o play this game. It's no fun.
When I see photos of people who lose a lot of weight I'm inspired and the comparison (before/after) are amazing!
I love it when I can feel my legs or my arms get smaller but then I can look at photos and think but a piece of me is missing. I won't be the same. I've had these feelings before, they are fleeting but they come back. It's  weird thing to think. I want these pounds gone, I want the freedom.
Slowly, painstakingly slow is the way it goes for this reason.



Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Just when things were looking good, the darkness came back. I've been struggling with my depression the last few weeks. It's really frustrating, I'll have some good days, hours, moments but it comes back. I went to a ladies retreat, one weekend. It was a special treat really. The workshops were about grieving, so I got to release some tension that way and there were self care activities like yoga, massage and reiki. So that was very nice and relaxing. I felt great after that and then something happened again, not sure what but I feel the fog. So I'm trying to get back on track with my eating to see if that will make a difference. But I started smoking again and I really need to nix that crap. Time will tell.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Sometimes I wonder why this is all such a struggle and I hate it! I hate that I have to live like this that I have to go through this struggle.
Parts of me believe that the struggle is what is the journey, what helps and shapes me. So I'm am constantly restarting because I won't give up. That is resilience.
Part of me wants to give up and give in to all my wants and desires but those are not serving me anymore and I know it so I can't. I persevere and I will succeed.
So the struggle may be real but it will never beat me. I will change my life and I will accomplish all that I want!