so little effort.
I really don't have much to say or I can't remember what I was going to say. I should try to write down things that come into my head so I remember what I was planning on writing about.
One week now and I will be going to the city to have the baby. I keep thinking that soon I will go into labor. It terrifies me! I don't know why, okay I do. I just don't want to have to make that decision to actually have this baby naturally. Why you may ask? Well when I went into labor with Little M, it was fast and intense and if I go into labor again, it'll be even more fast and intense and I worry about complications and not getting to the doctors on time. I live in a place that if there is an emergency one would have to be medivacced to the city and it would take one hour for the plane to get here and then one hour to get back and that doesn't count the actual prep time for all those people to get ready to leave.
Darn, my hands have gone numb and it's a lot harder to type now. I went through the baby clothes today and packed a bag, so I am ready should anything happen. I did laundry and cleaned my house a bit.
As each day goes by I get more uncomfortable in my body and I'm not sleeping all that well but I'm whipping through my book at a fairly quick pace, so that's nice. Tomorrow I have my last weekly visit with my doctor. Hopefully he will tell me that everything is good and I'll have another week and not to worry. Because I do worry.
My latest worry is about the sex of the baby. I really want a girl and I know that partly I will be disappointed if I don't have one. I know I was worried about this when I had Little M and the disappointment last a few seconds and then I had this beautiful new son. Still I worry because this is my last child, definitely. No turning back, I can't try again, my body just can't handle the pressures of being pregnant again. Well, I'm sure that it could but I don't want to go through it again. I want to get back to my healthy living and slimmer me lifestyle that I started last November. It's a little selfish but after three kids I think I deserve a little selfishness, it's not as if my children get neglected by it. It helps them too learn to eat better and energize their bodies through exercise.
I will never push them too hard but I want them to feel the rewards of health. I know because I am unhealthy and frankly I hate being fat. Sure I'm a good person and I like me but I don't like my lazy body, I'd rather be fit and do the things that will make me fit. I'm passed the guilt and the lying to myself. I'm past the excuses and warped thinking I was doing to myself. No it's not okay for me to be fat and lazy and not take care of myself because that says that I don't love myself in my eyes, if I'm not willing to take care of the body I was given. It's also selfish to the people I love because I want to be around them for a long time and do things with them, spend quality time out camping and enjoying the outdoors with my friends and family.
Well, there I went on a tangent and my fingers are super numb so I'd better sign off now. I'll try to keep you updated on my progress over the next week.