Saturday, December 01, 2007

Body Image

To be honest for the longest time I was ashamed of my body. Ashamed to be this big and just didn't like myself. I was forced from a pretty young age to be ashamed of my body because it wasn't right. Fat was disgusting. I was constantly watched and my food measured and weighed, not literally but I was very aware of what I was putting in my mouth and I hated every minute of it.

When I moved out on my own, I didn't care. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. I put on weight but I didn't care and I wasn't aware. I got bigger every year and it didn't matter to me until one day when I was told I was disgusting and I knew that I couldn't live this same life.

For me I knew I had to find something different. I had a very difficult time loving myself. But I met a man who liked me. A man who eventually loved me and he didn't care that I was big, in fact he loved it. I worked at the daycare for awhile and I took some courses two of them were about self esteem and they really helped me work through some issues about myself and my parents. I love my parents to death and they are only human, they aren't infallible, they make mistakes and so will I.

My choices in life are my own, once I stopped living with my parents I was responsible for myself. I'm the one who decided what I ate and what I did with my spare time. I wasn't aware of the weight I put on, not really. I'd look in the mirror and I would be fine with what I saw. For the most part anyway. I didn't feel big and I never really have until the last couple of years. When I've been at my highest weight ever.

I guess I became really aware when I started getting weighed when I was pregnant with my first son. When you have to weigh yourself and really see the numbers, it's a reality check. Okay, yeah, I'm overweight but I still felt good. Slowly it creeps up on you. I was smoking at the time too, so that didn't help.

After my second c-section I think that was when I became really aware that I had to do something. I had more children and I needed to be in shape. It was a gradual beginning and it worked I was feeling great about myself and my body, I was tightening up and getting more limber.

After becoming pregnant for the third time, I stopped. I don't know why but I did. I was just tired all the time. So now, getting to be almost a year later I'm still not back on track but I'm slowly getting there.

For me it's not about looking good. I'm comfortable with myself and my curvy voluptuous body. I still have all the curves in the right places and my husband digs that. For me right now, it's about having this body in fifty years and not depending on anyone to care for me and being there for my grandchildren.

I have three boys, three active boys that are going to be doing sports, sports that I love most likely like volleyball and skating. I need to get in shape and back out there. I want to be young again and not living through my children. I want to be out there too!

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