Sunday, February 24, 2008

I make my confession tonight!

I'm a busy mom. I am indeed a busy mother. I hear a lot of 'I don't know how you do it?', do what? Function basically. I'm barely doing it! I have three sons, what is there to do but do it. My house is mess and my kitchen a disaster. I can't help it, during the day when the children are up, I just do, I'm not sure what but I do.

I used to pride myself on my home, the place I live and pay rent. I would keep it pristine and shiny. Now, it's livable but messy and sometimes dirty. Tonight I cleaned after all the males in the house were in bed. I closed all the doors and I popped in a movies and I did my thing, picked up, swept, put away, reloaded and unloaded. It felt good and now I'm wired, that's why I sit here on the computer at two minutes to midnight.

The kitchen used to be my favorite place, the place where I created and cleaned. Baked and scoured, now I avoid it at all costs. Why can't I just do the dishes after each meal. I admit I'm not what I used to be. I pine for when I was that old person, the solitary person who could function with out children, who was orderly and clean. The person who didn't need to be there! Because I am there and I made a choice. I had children, busy children who leave me with no time.

I confess that the need to write tonight is strong, the longing to put words down just to get it out of me is there. I feel droopy but I can't stop and lay down right now.

I confess that I had two cigarettes tonight, the stress has been high lately, things in my head things of not my own devices bother me. But I'm moving past it. Why do words hurt? Why must I be judged? I want to just live my life and go merrily along like I always do. My life is good, my husband is wonderful, my children are perfect and loved.

I wish I was made to stay home, to find happiness in only being a mother, it was what I thought I was meant to be but there is more not just a mother, more than just me. I never needed more than just me and my man, I could function at top performance now I need people. I need connection to others, to other mothers, to friends, to those who are understanding. I guess when one has children and are surrounded by child like things, adult things are what is needed. Conversation and connection of a different sort.

I do think that a great part of me wants to be home and have that full life of a stay at home mother but when I'm off for my year, I feel the need for more or I just know that it will not last as i want it to. I must go back, so I feel a resentment and a disconnection from fully being what I can not be. One day maybe when the bills are not so high and I can step away from my desk and stay at home for my children when they really need me. When they are all entering a world that is not just home.

I'm rambling now, so don't mind me, it's late and I'm tired.

Yes, I am a busy mother. I feel tugged in so many directions and I can't seem to find myself or the time to find myself. Staying up this late does not help. I wish that when I am at home that the stress of misdirection would not bound me in place and keep me from functioning. Functioning right now is what I do best.

You can tell you are a busy mom when you have legs so hairy they look like they belong to a hobbit! Good night.

Tomorrow, a new day and maybe some pictures. Good night!

No comments: