Sunday, February 16, 2014


I used to think I was a good communicator.
But I'm not really.
I'm a good listener.
I can tell people what they want to hear.
I can have in depth important conversations.
What I don't do well is conflict.
I avoid yelling and uncomfortable situations.
I was made to feel like I wasn't important, not smart, not worthy.
I don't blame anyone for this.
But the people pleaser that manifested from this didn't like conflict.
It is what it is.
I have avoided conflict for so long.
My first boyfriend and I fought a lot.
Yelling and stuff and I didn't like it.
I really hated that part of our relationship.
I didn't know any different.
I did now that it wasn't what I wanted.
I've always had this weird mind that believed I couldn't be close to women.
I believed that I couldn't tell people what I really was feeling because it would cause conflict.
It would make people not like me.
Because how I felt didn't matter to anyone.
I wanted to be liked.
I wanted to be accepted.
In reality I didn't like or accept myself even if I thought that I did.
My whole life since moving out on my own has been a journey to find myself.
To get past my barriers.
It's still a journey and I am making progress.
I do like myself and accept myself now.

If I walked away from you. I'm sorry. I tucked and ran like a coward. It was not you it was me and I'm sorry that I'm just realizing it now.  You are a worthy person. I was not. I never really let you see the real me. Because if I had I wouldn't have walked away. I don't think I'm the real me with anyone except my husband and even with him it's not always. I don't think I'm the real me with anyone. What I mean is that I don't stand up for myself and I'm apathetic, my wants and needs don't matter. If I'm uncomfortable I don't tell people, I just make sure they are comfortable. This is wrong of me and I know it. I don't always tell the truth as I see it because I don't want to offend people, I want them to like me. So it's easier for me to not acknowledge that and well, it's had some devastating effects on my life as well. I'm sorry.

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