Tuesday, February 11, 2014


I'm not perfect.
I certainly wish I were because life would be so much easier.
I get stuck in patterns as well as my emotions.
I make mistakes.
Big horrible mistakes but I do strive to be better.
Growing up things always went my way.
Always right up until I was about 34 years old.
You know, I've dealt with issues growing up but nothin,
And I mean nothing prepared me for what life had in store for me.
When things have a away of sorting themselves out in your favour.
You forget that life can dish you terrible things.
No I didn't know how to react and I was reactive.
I made decisions and I blamed others.
But really it was me.
I was messed up completely and I didn't even know it.
That's not true, I can see it.
It's almost like drowning, looking out of the water but not being able to pull out.
I laugh at myself because I can keep cool, I can show no emotion.
I never ask for help and the times that I did they weren't answered.
So I gave up asking for help and dealt with things my own way.
No one was going to be my hero, since I was my own.
I've shut myself off to people mostly.
It's been that way for some time.
I still listen and am there but I don't invest myself anymore.
With anyone new.
I want to but right now I'm taking care of me.
Making myself healthier.
In moving forward I have to look back and it's been a mine field of emotions.
Love, forgive, accept and be grateful and it's working, slowly it's working.
I wish I wasn't working alone.
Finance keep me from having my wellness coach.
But I'm not stressing about the money.
Money is money, it's not important.
I won't let it occupy the space in my head.
So day by day.
Some weeks I'm great at getting the workouts.
Some weeks I'm great at my 20/80 way of eating.
Some days it's more 50/50 but you win some you lose some.
Healthier everyday and in every way.
Dreams, wonderful dreams fill my head of my life, my family, now.
I have some things to deal with still that I'm dreading a little.
I'm not sure how to approach them.
The way I run away from things.
I hate conflict of any kind and I have always, always avoided it.
Growing up the way I did made me hate confrontation and angry words.
Now I'm just tired.
Everyday is work.
Everyday a struggle to be more.
I'm know right now I'm in a down place.
Most likely because I haven't been to the gym in a week.
I was out on the weekend so my schedule is off.
I haven't meditated in ages.
I'll do some before bed and head to the gym in the morning or do some yoga.
It'll all straighten out.

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