Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Rough Waters

This whole journey has been amazing. I'm learning so much about myself. I'm finding myself, I'm learning to love myself and to ask for what I want. I've never been able to do that. It's not easy, for sure. Facing my own issues, is super hard. Once I've thought of it, to process what my true feelings or intentions are or were is incredibly hard. Then moving forward by forgiving myself or others or finding another way to process it and accept it.

I'm giving up the control aspect of me. I've always had this weird ability because I'm so emphatic to take on everyone's problems. The last three years I avoid busy situations, I only hang out with my craft night group and my ladies group, this gives me comfort and I don't feel uncomfortable in busy situations with lots of personalities I've had some major stresses the last three years so I did.  Which is very narrow minded and one dimensional. This is weird because I'm not usually like this. At least in my mind, I've always been a very open minded person. Taking facts from two sides, never taking sides or passing others judgement to make my decision and be bias.

I noticed long ago that when I start to process that other areas of myself shut down or shift. I've found it incredibly hard to keep to my exercise schedule while dealing with my issues. I was feeling the stress of getting to my shifts and then I was sick and then vehicle troubles and I eventually just asked to be taken off the schedule for the week. Today, fingers crossed we'll have our van up and running again. And I'll get back to my scheduled workouts. I've also done a lot of cleaning, organizing and sorting at home to keep the clutter away and I'm feel less chaotic in life.I'm going to have to have a dreaded yard sale this summer. I hate those.

I had shifted back and done hardly a thing. So I made sure I still had my hot water and lemon every morning. I was having trouble doing my meditations and visualizations so I cut back to one a day and made sure I did that no matter what. I think that the set backs just keep it two steps forward, one step back and I can deal with this because in the long run it means I will come out of this in a superb mental state.

Some ways that I sabotage myself is by taking on more than I can handle when I'm stressed. I did that two years ago when I took on school council and Avon. So guess what I did? Ha, I signed up for the Herbal course I wanted to take and so I've started that and I'm loving it. It's keeping me focused on the earth and nature. It'll help me to decide if this is what I want to do and if we'll eventually move to go away to school. I know the husband isn't' too keen on the idea but he's been doing some research on a place and it is close to the school I want to go to. It would a very interesting city/town to live in and would be a perfect fit for the whole family, we are all creative and artistic in some way. It just makes my heart sing.

I've confirmed with work that I'm taking the summer off. Yes, I'm so excited. Not only to not be working but all the time I'll have with the boys. I'm looking forward to getting out more with them  and exploring our surroundings, camping and showing them all that I'm learning. These things make me very happy because it shows I'm growing, changing, putting myself first, doing things to help myself and my family. I'll be outside and working with the land instead of cooped up in my office all day long. Oh so happy. Now to just find someone to fill in.

My garden and collecting herbs. My brother is concerned and wants me to get a gun for protection if the boys and I are off exploring deep in the wilderness. I know the husband and I have wanted to take the fire arms coarse for hunting purposes, so maybe we should do that soon. So many plans, so much to look forward to. My blog has been my safety net lately, getting my thoughts out. I don't journal as I used to. I really should dust of the old journal since I've only used half of it. But it's been many years since I've journal-ed daily.

I finally have a work/desk space set up at home again to do my sewing, quilting and whatever else I'd like to do. So the future is bright and I have many things to look for to.

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