I`m still struggling with this depression. I wonder if I will ever overcome it. In just a few short years things have changed and more will change.
I`ve been writing again. I`ve been journaling. I`m amazed at what I found out when I read back in my journals. How I allowed myself to be treated and how even then I was in a silly cycles of self destructive thinking. Forty years old and here I am still. It`s hard to see these things down. I`m glad for the changes I`ve made and the changes to come.
I wish I could say I was perfect and made no mistakes but that is not true. I`ve never been good at saying what I want, saying the truth, I always told people what they wanted to hear. I was afraid of retribution and hurting. I had one friend who trained me that way. At the beginning of the friendship I was honest with her and she didn`t like what I said and I wasn`t blatant or anything, I just asked her questions. She stopped speaking to me for months and then came back and we resumed and this happened a couple of more times. So I learned to tell her what she wanted to hear. It was so tough. We are not longer friends, we were not good for each other no matter how much we loved each other, all we did was hurt each other with good intention and well we know how that goes.
I`m no longer good at playing games, at playing at being something I`m not. I surround myself now with people I can be honest with. Kindred spirits. that deserve my kind words, my love and my compassion. I no longer judge or am jealous of things because it`s the people who matter.
What I`m becoming good at, is recognizing when I`m in a downward spin and when I need to reach out. I`ve always had such a hard time reaching out to friends. My friend above was supposed to be my go to person but she turned out to not give a damn about me. I had learned the hard way. I walked away from that friendship, it was finally me taking care of myself. It was one of the hardest things I`ve had to do and when I`m in my downward spiral it`s one of the things I dwell on. It`s not that I regret walking away. It`s that I miss what it was at one time. It was good, it was reassuring. I felt complete. These things don`t last sometimes. There are things I dwell on when I`m sad, I miss my friendship, like I miss my Dad or I pine for a little girl I`ll never have or a few other things. These are my dark thoughts.
But then I think of the things that I was grateful for. My father loved me unconditionally. I know that he loved me and was proud of me. I have a family who love me and support me. I once had a true best friend and I will have again someday I may not grow old with the first one but I`have friends around me that will be there for me. I just have to ask. They proved that this weekend when I was feeling down and I got lots of visits and hugs. So loved! I have friend who love me and show me all the time. They make me laugh, they keep me strong and I love them. I have 3 beautiful sons that I love so much and am so very proud of. I`m still young, I still have my brain and I know I`m smart and I can work through any problem.
My heart sings with happiness at all that I have in my life and all the adventure my future brings. I crave change and it may take a little while but soon we`ll be out of debt, and we save everyday for our dreams. I am happy even when I`m on a little downward spin because I turned it around and come right back up!
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