Monday, August 10, 2015

Do you ever just feel lost? You get lost when you become an adult trying to fit in and do everything right and caring what people think. You get lost being a parent and only a parent. You get lost when you have to do the right thing instead of what you want. You get lost when yo fight mental illness. You get lost when you put others before taking care of yourself. It's hard lessons to learn and a hard habit to break.

A hold lot of that fits me. I've always wanted to fit in and be part of a group. I've been a parent for close to fourteen years and well since then my boys come first. It's been a long hard and stressful job. They have different personalities, different needs and different everything and trying to accommodate all that and still keep my sanity has been difficult. When you have a child with ADHD, it's so time consuming, stressful and as a parent you beat yourself up a lot because strategies don't always work. I'm a pro at changing how I parents in different situations. I try to keep my cool mostly. I try not to embarrass myself or my children in public. Firs and foremost my children are people and I treat them with dignity. I'm not perfect, whilst battling depression and parenting my children I have failed a lot. But the main thing is my kids know who loves them and who they can do to when they need help, advice or just to talk.

Not balancing that has been hard. I hate that I have depression and I have to work to stay stable in my emotions. Sometimes my hormones are all over the place. Plus I have diabetes, so that just does not help the depression at all and  But it's okay. As long as I exercise and meditate, I'm good. I love that.

I've learned to lean on my friends more instead of hiding in my dark place. I am coming out of my shell.

I'm trying to regain myself. My main focus lately is weigh loss because that will help with the diabetes but it's very hard and I have to work harder. My husband is very supportive and he himself is trying to change some of his habits and get healthy with me. He's barely overweight but he's older than me and wants to be healthier. He's willing to go partially plant based for food and exercise with me. He wants to learn yoga now, finally after me talking to him about it so much. I think it helps that a friend of his does it as well.

So with all this effort into the health area, I still feel like I'm missing a piece of the picture. My creative side, my passion. I keep talking about moving and I'm not even sure that is what I really want but I'm craving change at every turn. We'll see what happens.

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