Thursday, September 03, 2015

There was a time when I would have called hogwash on the kinds of things I'm doing such as meditation and tapping.

I've come to realize that I've had a very unhealthy mind for awhile. Things happened in my past that really dragged me through the mud and I think that parts of my mind got stuck there. I wasn't able to think straight for awhile.

I firmly believe that we all make our own choices in life and it's easy to get in a trap of self absorption but in a bad way. Where we play a victim and blames others yet we are the ones who make the choices and by not making a choice we are still making a choice.

The one thing that I regret the most out of everything, the thing that still haunts me is getting a tubal ligation when I did. I really messed with my brain and I think that that was why I was caught in a really bad loop for a long time.

I made the ultimate sacrifice and I wasn't asked to. I did it because I wanted to make life easier for my husband. I said for a long time that I was fine with it. This choice I made was the wrong choice. I made it for the wrong reasons. I still wanted more children but I did it because my husband wasn't willing to make that commitment himself. I was so stupid.

I lived a very codependent life. I put so much into my relationship with my husband. I depended on him for my happiness. I had this fairly tale in my head. When he went outside our marriage and then ended up with another child. This made my whole world crumble and I've had to rebuild it.

My marriage is intact and healthy now. We worked really hard to get it that way. A lot of things changed in our relationship after this happened. We are better and stronger. I'm not trapped in my fairly tale dream any more. I've become a little more cynical and jaded I'm sure and I'm more assertive in my relationship now.

I had always thought of myself as a independent woman and in some ways I am and in others I was not. I think it's a work in progress. I no longer have rose coloured glasses on. I'm not a perfect woman, I continue to work on myself, I continue to try and find my spirituality again. I love my Husband and my step daughter.

Now I think that I have to forgive myself for making mistakes and I need to more on. I need to work on my self-esteem more and accept who I am. I am a good person who tries to do good. I've made mistakes and I own them.

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