Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Need to get back to posting. I haven't posted much anywhere in awhile except my facebook status but that is just frivolous stuff!

I've been in a very weird frame of mind that last month and it's been a pretty disastrous month in my weight loss. I'm actually up 14lbs of the 40 lbs that I lost. I've been totally aware of it happening, still weighed in every morning and watched the number go up but couldn't seem to do anything about it even though I wanted to.

My mental state has been up and down a lot the last few months and it's starting to even out again. I can't go into details on a blog that is open to the public what is happening in my life but it's been pretty life changing. I'm starting to get into a good place again.

Yesterday I finally made a turn around for the better, watching what I'm eating and actually able to control my emotional eating. I don't know what to call it but it's a force that is hard to face. But I'm doing it again and I'm not sure how I'm doing it.

Everyday I see my body changing back to what it once was and I don't want that. I was turning into an athletic person before this change took place. You won't believe me when I say it was a fictional book I was reading about an alcoholic that really struck home with me. I could relate to so many of reasons/arguments that one tells themselves to make excuses and do what they want to do. I find my two addictions are food and cigarettes. I still battle the abusive way I use them.

It's funny because when I'm in that place, that all hope is lost, I can't seem to come up for air, as much as I want to and struggle against the tide to get that air I can't do it.

I'd always believed that I had great coping skills but I had coping skills that when fed constantly with food or cigarettes made my life comforting, easy to face and let bypass me or slide off my back. I know now that I can face anything, that because something terrible happens I can face it and get over it and it's not the end of the world.

Sure I struggle with food, I struggle with my infertility now and not having the daughter I always dreamed I would have but you know what? I can survive this, I can learn and cope and overcome.


shmode said...

Your posts are so uplifting D! What book is that?

Siuan said...

This Charming Man by Marian Keyes, it was one of the characters in this book that had me all wow! The book was really good, laugh out loud fun at times.