I've been in a very weird frame of mind that last month and it's been a pretty disastrous month in my weight loss. I'm actually up 14lbs of the 40 lbs that I lost. I've been totally aware of it happening, still weighed in every morning and watched the number go up but couldn't seem to do anything about it even though I wanted to.
My mental state has been up and down a lot the last few months and it's starting to even out again. I can't go into details on a blog that is open to the public what is happening in my life but it's been pretty life changing. I'm starting to get into a good place again.
Yesterday I finally made a turn around for the better, watching what I'm eating and actually able to control my emotional eating. I don't know what to call it but it's a force that is hard to face. But I'm doing it again and I'm not sure how I'm doing it.
Everyday I see my body changing back to what it once was and I don't want that. I was turning into an athletic person before this change took place. You won't believe me when I say it was a fictional book I was reading about an alcoholic that really struck home with me. I could relate to so many of reasons/arguments that one tells themselves to make excuses and do what they want to do. I find my two addictions are food and cigarettes. I still battle the abusive way I use them.
It's funny because when I'm in that place, that all hope is lost, I can't seem to come up for air, as much as I want to and struggle against the tide to get that air I can't do it.
I'd always believed that I had great coping skills but I had coping skills that when fed constantly with food or cigarettes made my life comforting, easy to face and let bypass me or slide off my back. I know now that I can face anything, that because something terrible happens I can face it and get over it and it's not the end of the world.
Sure I struggle with food, I struggle with my infertility now and not having the daughter I always dreamed I would have but you know what? I can survive this, I can learn and cope and overcome.