Monday, January 11, 2010

My big post.

I'm facing some hard realities in life right now and one of them is that I'm depressed. I think have been for about 3 years now and I've always put it off to being too busy, too tired and everything else out there. Some hard evidence is that I'm super emotional, I cry over everything, I've always been this way but I'm way over the top the last three years, I've been uninterested in anything that I used to be interested in besides books. Books are my escape but at the same time I have a hard time picking up a book to read, once I start I do okay. Right now I'm very into the chick lit or my adventure romance. Yay, the new Sara Donati is out soon. Also, I avoid hanging out with friends and family, I don't go to my Tuesday night craft night anymore, I haven't been in so long, I feel alone and unwanted and I beat myself up all the time about what I'm doing wrong and I can't ever fix anything so why bother. You know.

I'm going to talk to my doctor about all this. I've always know I had depression issues, I've had them as far back as a teenage and I've always just embraced my feelings and not let things get to me. For years I was a positive person, I cared about others and participated in my own life and now I just let things happen to me. I was doing pretty great the last years and then things took a turn for the worst about 5 months ago. Things happened in my life and I won't go into detail here because not many people in my real life know about it. But I've been in a total slump ever since I got the baby blues after Mica and I haven't been able to face it or I'd just say I was fine. I probably won't leave the house is it wasn't for some friends of mine that keep inviting me out and they probably don't realize what a favor they are doing me. I may be depressed but I find it hard to say no still.

The biggest thing right now is that my emotions are so up and down, I'll be doing great and then out of nowhere I get emotional and can't face the world and of course I keep it hidden inside and just show no emotion and then I break and I can't control it. So it's a work in progress.

So my objectives right now are to continue to see a counselor (I've been seeing him for a few months now), start writing my blog again, start going to craft night again and get my hobby back on track. I need to make time for myself to exercise and write, spend time with my husband and my kids.

We've been making changes.

I'm on day 10 of quiting smoking. It's going good. I used Champix for the first 13 days and I quit on day 10 of the pills and not I'm on day 10. We have started using one vehicle to save on some gas which makes me walk more and I get more exercise, see why I came up with this idea. I've started back at the gym last week and am trying to get into a routine at home and still get at least 8 hours of sleep a night. I did yoga last night with Kale and then I ran up and down the hallways with Mickey.

I'm weaning myself off the pepsi again and already I'm starting to see the downward movement of the scale again. I hate that I put 20lbs back on of the 40lbs I lost and I need to get that back off. I refuse to fail at this. I will make myself better and whole again.

We are considering cancelling our internet and Marcel now wants to get rid of the brand new computer he just got two months ago so we can focus more on each and the family. Great changes are abound.

I really don't want to go on any drugs but if I have to, I have to. I need to make a change in my behavior, I'm tired of feeling crazy.

In others news, the boys are doing great. We had a wonderful Christmas and I was off for the two weeks and it was great to spend time with the boys. We've had birthday and parties and I've been busy but not wanting to be. Next up is my Mica's 3rd birthday. Can't hardly believe he'll be so old. I still pine for another baby but we'll see about that after I've done some healing on my mind and body.

I'll cut it off there for my first post back and hopefully I will be posting more regularly.


Cyndi said...

Hang in there, my friend!!! It probably doesn't help that it's January and apparently cold where you are (not so much here)! And dark! One of the blogs I follow has officially named January as the worst month of the year! (
Give me a call if you ever want to talk!

Siuan said...

Thanks Cyndi. I've been meaning to call you. I'll do that soon.