Thursday, July 19, 2007

What I Learned About Love and Marriage.

They can be strange things—they can be hard and unbearable at times. They are a choice we make to have in our lives. I find that some people give up and move on and some people work hard at it everyday and sometimes it comes easy.

Some times there are obstacles and sometimes things just aren’t meant to be.

Yes there are times when my husband and I have disagreed but for us we seem to have a pretty good understanding of each other. We talked so much about everything when we were first together. There are no secrets between us and there is always honesty.

We think before we speak instead of talking in anger and arguing. It seemed to come naturally for us but for others I imagine that it’s hard work. But we made that commitment to each other to do just that, so there is no resentment or hurt between us. Communication in a respectful way is key.

Too often I think that people are hasty in leaving but I also think for anything to work both people need to work to better the relationship.

My own example is with my ex, my first serious relationship that last almost 5 years ended badly. It was unhealthy, we didn’t talk and we were disrespectful of each other, it was unhealthy. At some point I knew that I couldn’t be with this person and I didn’t want or could see a way to make it better.

I did have pangs of regret for a little while. I was afraid of losing that person in my life, I didn’t know how to be alone. I was still pretty young for having been in such a long relationship.

When I met my husband I was still pretty messed up—emotional and low self esteem. I was still immature and really did not know how to not over react or blow up as I used to. In many ways Marcel helped me the in a stable adult relationship and navigate those unknown waters.

To begin with he told me that I couldn’t count on him, that he couldn’t be responsible for my happiness. I was who made me happy and you know what, that’s what got me out of the fairytale land with the white knight on his valiant stead type thinking.

I did reevaluate my thinking. I’m smart, I’m creative and resourceful. I have a loving family and great friends. I don’t need a man or anyone to make me happy but I want to share my happiness, my life with my husband even though I don’t need him. He and my children add to my happiness.

The reason I’m writing this? An affirmation for one, to my self and my life. Also there is a lengthy discussion on NOTI about loving your significant other and marriage.

Some discussion includes being married because of things other than love, companionship being one of them. For me I don’t think I could be in a loveless marriage just for companionship. I’m not saying it’s wrong for others but for me right now, it wouldn’t work.

I answered the poll. I’m deeply in love with my husband and he’s deeply in love with me. I know this because we tell it other everyday. We have a mutual understanding and respect for one another that if gone our marriage just wouldn’t work. We both need those things in our lives.

I think that if trust or respect are lost in a marriage, they could be found again if both parties still loved each other and still wanted to be with each other. I think that marriage is hard work and if you think that both people in the marriage are completely honest with each other about their intentions and both agree that they have the same goals and same interests and are willing to work together to move forward, yes I think it could work. But if it’s one sided and one party is not willing to work as hard as the other to make it work and just wants to be in control of all decision then no, I think it would not work. Resentment builds and then that turns to hate. Everything as far as I’m concerned has to be mutual, sure there is give and take in some situations but one can’t just take all the time and not give.

Sometimes it is hard to connect especially with three children but you know what, we take the time and effort to make it work, to make each other happy, so tell each other the love is still there and it won’t go away. No I never profess that my marriage is perfect or my life but we work at it everyday and it works for us. Yes the timing was right for this entry.

On Saturday we will be celebrating our 6th Wedding Anniversary. So Happy Anniversary, Baby! I love you, Heart and Soul.

No comments: