Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Unplanned thoughts aka randomness

Things have been incredibly slow around here. I’ve been busy in my own little head game with myself. I’m not sure what is wrong with me. I’ll go into a little bit of detail. When I had my youngest 20 months ago, I had a c-section and at the same time I had my tubes tied. Now even though my chances of getting pregnant are something like 1 in a 1000, I still psychologically think that I can have a baby. So every month I wait and wonder. The logical side of me tells myself its not possible don’t’ worry about it and the heart side of me yearns to have another baby. In all reality of realities I couldn’t handle another child right now but I want another one so bad and I keep seeing babies everywhere and I’m jealous because I can’t have another baby and I don’t know what to do about myself. I feel bummed that I did this to myself, I'm infertile now and destined to yearn for another child but the heart wants what it wants.

 So this month I was waiting and waiting for the sign that lets me know I wasn’t pregnant this month to come and it didn’t come not for 43 days. So for the last 21 days I’ve been sweating bullets and doing tests and jumping back and forth between hysteria and elation.

It all ended this morning when my body gave me the news that, I wasn’t pregnant and I was so relieved. So I’m hoping beyond all hope that this is the end of my own craziness and I can move on and not worry about my sanity or getting pregnant. As a woman it will be tough but I really need to deal with this somehow because it’s obviously on my mind a lot.


Now for some randomness:

My fence is going up as we speak. I'm very excited about this.

i ordered a stand up freezer and I can't wait to get it. I should be here next week, so I'll prbably be doing more cooking and post over here. We'll be getting moose too! Hubby has a friend whose going to give us some and I'm have an uncle to get some from as well. I know my dad and brother went out hunting the other day but I don't know if they got anything. Should be an interesting winter, foodwise.


I'm getting closer to the end of The Wheel of Time series I'm reading. It's my first time rereading it all the way. I've reread the first couple of books a couple of times but now I've been reading the whole think in preparation for next year when the newest and last book of the series comes in. The author died last year and the publisher has hired another writer to finish the series and I'm very curious how it will be. The author Robert Jordan apparently left all his notes and some major scenes to be used before he passed away. The new author Brandon Sanderson, I have not read any of his work but I did recently purchase the first two book in his series Mistborn to get a taste for his writing style.

The boys are doing great! Bubba is really trying to talk, it's the beginning stages with lot's of repetition and the baba, dada,bubu, nighnight, nana kind of talk but he's trying with works like ball, hi, bubble, mom, dad, hat. At least he is trying.

Buddy is driving us a little batty these days with his obsessiveness. He really fixates of something and doesnt' let it go. It's a really hassle when we are trying to meet a dealine, such as getting out the door or having him do something else, he really does on and on for ages about things and it's very hard to handle and we are not sure how to deal with it.

SmartGuy is doing so great at home and school. He changed his mind and decided he did want to play hockey this year because Buddy wants to. They'll be in two different groups but SmartGuy is a bit of a pain because he didn't want Buddy using his equipment. So we will see how it goes.

I'm writing from my bed. I came home a little while ago. I'm sick, like really sick in the head, I'm all congested in the head and plugged up and my nose is now running like crazy, so that means it's going to start getting better.

So I'm going to sign off now and go curl up under a warm blankie and watch some old episodes of Friends.


1 comment:

heather said...

hi dearest, sorry you have "the cold"
I love snowbound, the way you weave your
day to day. miss you feel better soon. Love H