Tuesday, January 12, 2010

You know for the longest time I liked being sad when there was no real reason to be sad, when I look at it now, the reasons I was sad in the past are irrelevant. Not when I compare it to the sadness I feel at times now for the problems I have now. I know it will get better because it has gotten better the more I talk with people, mainly my counselor, he's great.

I used to embrace that sadness and use it. It made me feel, I used to set myself apart in my own mind. For it to mean something, to feel special and know that I was special. That I had all these feelings and no one had these feelings that I had and I was special because of it. Crazy teenagers!

I used it to write stories that had tragic happenings. I used it as an excuse to be by myself and wallow in my teenage despair over boys or the misery my parents put me through (they didn't really I was a teenager, what do you expect). You name it.

But this real emptiness and aloneness that I feel now are hard to deal with and they make me feel helpless when I want to be a different person and more in control of how I feel. It's easy to sit back and let it fester but I can't. I have four people in my life that need more than the bare minimum from me. So I deal and move on and make myself better. Yes, I'm repeating myself I'm sure but I need to drill all this into my head when I think of it. That's probably why there will be more posts than usual.

Because as much as I want to sit at home alone and not communicate with anyone, to cut myself off from work, family, friends and just be depressed and not face it, I have to. I have to save myself from that life I could lead where I really am alone and I really don't want that. I want the people I care about to care about me and to do that I need to be in the present. No one survives with just one person, it takes a family, a community. So I plan on embracing the people in my life who mean so much to me and make sure they know that I care and love them. Because I want to be me again.
Darn, I have a paper cut and it hurts when I type.

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