Tuesday, October 25, 2011

31 Days - Day 25.......................................

Writing every day for a month on 31 Days to a Healthier Me, has been difficult. I have a notebook full of topics and notes about what I wanted to write about but lately it's becoming harder to write it. No amount of coercing myself can get my mind going on these subjects for the last week.

See, finding a healthier me is a huge job. This 31 days is really condensing a lifelong journey that I have just started. I know all the steps I need to take but it's slow going. I'm building momentum.

Life has thrown a bunch of struggles along the way. I've had to deal with new issues never dealt with before such as losing my father. So I'm still grieving and that in itself is a challenge some days. I love him so much and miss him so much.

Many of my struggles also started with my Dad. I do not whatsoever hold it against my Dad, he did the best job he could and only wanted the best for me. He just didn't know how to encourage me, he was used to the old ways of children doing as they were told. I know he loved me, he showed me in so many ways but his frustration at seeing his children follow in his footsteps health-wise was a worry for him.

With him gone, a part of me is gone. That part that was a struggle to please him, to do as he wished, to make him proud of me. I didn't know how to talk to my Dad about my feelings because I was 'too emotional'. I've always embraced my emotions but I could never show them to my Dad because it was a weakness to him. My constantly trying to please him and get the kind of love I wanted from him never happened. I never heard the words, 'I'm proud of you'. That I think is the biggest obstacle for me. Finding that closure. I got a touching email from a family friend that told me that my Dad was proud of me and always talking about me and the kids. So that was really a nice thing to hear and it released some of that struggle. So I slowly work through it.

Try to deal with that lost part of myself. I think that in this healing process that I am going through will help me grow as a person and find who I truly am because I was holding myself back in someways because I wanted to please my father so much. Now I have to please myself and make myself proud and love myself. This I find cathartic and healing.

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