Friday, June 28, 2013

Knocked Around

Life has away of knocking your around sometimes. I think it likes to shake things up. Life has been good but I've also suffered from one form or another of depression for the last 6 and bit years. Starting with  postpartum depression. In that time I think that I made a lot of mistakes and a lot of things that I've neglected. It makes me sorry that I didn't get help sooner. I didn't do anything about it until after my father passed away and I have such a hate for pills of any kind that it's a struggle for me to take. It's been over two years now and I've stopped and started, stopped and started and now stopped again.

For me, I want to get healthy in a natural way. I let the busyness of my life become chaos too many times and now I am swimming against the tide with all my might and this time I am making it.

Way back when...after my middle guy Mickey was born I had a wake up call and I managed to lose quite a bit of weight and then I got pregnant again. I'm not sure why but when I'm pregnant I think it's some sort of free ticket to eat what I want and I gain weight like crazy. I developed gestational diabetes. I don't enjoy being pregnant at that weight.

After my last son Mica was born I kept the weight and it was belly weight and I knew I was in trouble But at the time, I was dealing with a busy working husband and 3 children 5 and under and one with some major behavioral issues. I was in a bad place for awhile. Then with Mica was around 3 I had a change and I came to be in the best place of my life. I was finally feeling good and healthy, losing weight, talking about our bright future. My marriage was in a really great place, my boys were doing great. I was happy. I was healthy. Making exercise and healthy eating a part of everyday.

Life threw me a curve ball close to 4 years ago when I found out my marriage hadn't been in a healthy place after all. My husband had a daughter outside of our marriage and she was going to be a part of our life, just a year younger than our youngest. I stayed, we worked on our marriage and our family. It was hard at times but we worked at it and it got better. I grew to love his child, she is a sweetheart. We were a burgeoning happy family and not even a year later more devastating news for me came.

My brother was dealing with a broken relationship and access to his son. So we were all stressed out. In June our father told us he had cancer again. Lung cancer. My brother and I were both on and off smokers.
My father was sick. He put on a brave front for my brother and I and we didn't find out until Aug 2010 that it was terminal. We said goodbye to him in March 2011. The grief from his death hit me pretty hard and even a year later I was still crying everyday and two years later I was still having a hard time.

June 2012 I found out I was diabetic. More struggles ensued.

During all this I lost my best friend of 13 years because of my own stubbornness and insecurities. I miss her all the time. Recently I emailed her, we'll see what happens (positive changes). I have had a group of women in my life that have helped me the last few years and I love them dearly. I was never a part of a group before and I love the get-togethers and camping trips that we take and I hope they continue for years to come because they have kept me sane. Being a part of a group of women has been amazing. One of my struggles is telling myself that I don't have a close connection to women but what if that wasn't true, it's just another lie my ego tells me. I've struggle to get my emotions in check and taken antidepressants that just take my feelings away and I hated them but I took them anyway because the stopped me from being over-the-top emotional.

The struggles are all internal. I've given up the sugar drinks, quit smoking and only drink gin and soda if I drink at all. The emotional side is much better now but there were a lot of ups and downs.

This spring I made further changes to my life. By going to the gym and working with a trainer. Summer brings challenges and some freedoms. My husband works long hours so the evenings I have the boys. We do things around the house and yard or go swimming. I mean to get them and the dog out more and I'm still working on it. I go to aquafit 3 days a week now for exercise and walk when I can. I'll head back to the gym soon or in the fall when it works with my schedule more. We'll see.
I work with a wellness coach who is helping me a lot to get on track, stay on track, deal with my emotions and stress. Do meditation. I've been struggling with my spirituality since my Dad died and I'll keep on reading that. The more I explore and change and research the more I see that I bring things onto myself. 
I tell myself a lot of lies, such as I'm not a good communicator, I hate crowds, I wouldn't be good at this or that, I'm afraid of this or that but I think it's been the depression holding me back because none of these things are true but I do have to continue to work on them and be brave and face my challenges. I know I can do anything, I just had a hard time seeing it for so long. But now I'm waking up again and seeing all the possibilities.

So life has knocked me around.
And I am learning, growing, changing from it all and that it great news. 
I can't wait for the future now.
These guys are my future.

I wrote this so I can come back to it when I'm having a bad day and can't get out of a slump. I know the days ahead will not be perfect but I know that I can face any challenge and succeed. This is part of my journaling process that I'm starting again.
I'm not only doing it for myself, so I'll just have to remember what is important in my life and I will stay on track. I know my boys want me around for years and years to come.

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