Growing.....

People are always on the search for answers, they put their faith into God, religion, spirituality, etc. Sometimes I think my mind is at war with itself trying to find me a place. A few years back I hadn't even thought about it too much. My husband talks a lot about religion and his opposing views. I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion as long as they don't foist it on me. I listen and I absorb and I read.  A few years ago my life changed a lot and in many ways and I had a lot of soul searching to do.

I heard a lot of negative thoughts for a while there. I heard people blaming god, asking why god would do this or that. My thought processes changed. I stopped being a spiritual thinker and became more of a logical thinker. I couldn't relate to those that thought god had done anything to them. I am a firm believer that we have free will that people are human and they make mistakes and that those mistakes can be forgiven and it has nothing to do with god. I gave up believing that there was 'the one', a 'soul mate', 'destiny'. I don't know if I will ever get those back.

When my father passed away was when I really questioned everything, heaven, an after life. All these names we give to things we don't know or understand. I am actually saddened by how life has changed me but I'm also happy to be free and open to many ideas and will continue to educate myself.

What I believe is this. That I am here and we are lucky to be here. That life is a miracle. If you really think about what was accomplished, that life stemmed from bits of molecules, gas and whatever and we are here, living and breathing. It is amazing!  It took me a long time to be comfortable using the word miracle because I always believed that it was related to god but it is not.

mir·a·cle  

Noun A surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is considered to be divine. A highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment.

Considered to be divine. Doesn't have to be!  I believe being a good person and thinking of others is a good thing. I believe taking care of my children, husband and home is a good thing. I believe having a community of support and investing my time into my friends and community is a good thing. I will continue to think of those things as good and I will be.  My husband thinks that we should all have a common purpose. A goal to better our world.I really like this idea. Because when I look around at the big country that I live in, it's so beautiful and amazing that I want everyone to enjoy it and live it and have life here forever. Right now I have a battle in me. I have held steadfast to my logical beliefs but I want more. I want to believe that there is something else maybe not god but there things in our world that we can't explain and I would like to believe that our souls are out there. There is energy in the world around us and maybe that is what we should be worshiping. I recently watched Life of Pi and it helped me to see what I had been struggling with. That it's a nicer story to believe in something more. I had been struggling emotionally because anytime I heard something that went against my logical scientific beliefs I would cry and it made me realize that I was protecting myself with these beliefs and that may not change but at least I am not open to more.