Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Looking forward.

Back in 2009 life was really great. I was in the best place in my life, I was so happy and I was getting in shape, I was so healthy and getting healthier everyday. I sometimes wonder if it was all an illusion. I look back and this how delusional I was and maybe that was okay, I don't know. I was in a good place, I called it my bliss. I exercised everyday, I wanted to, I was eating well and getting better at it. I had lost a substantial amount of weight and yet I was not rock steady because if I was I wouldn't be where I am today.

Maybe to go forward I must look back....briefly anyway.

Maybe I couldn't leave because I didn't believe in myself and I couldn't be alone. I don't know now. I know I love my husband and he was the one person that I should have been able to trust completely, at least I thought that I could. It was the absolute worst time of my life. We in a good place now after lots of hard work, so I won't dwell on this part of things.

I had a friend who I drifted from for some time and then the affair happened and I didn't really get the support I was expecting. I was a little bitter and then someone told me she was talking behind my back and well instead of talking to her I got angry and I just stopped. I never spoke to her again. It's been 3 years since then and I was angry all that time at her and maybe a little numb about the whole situation. I never let myself think about it until a few months back.

The shame was that all my feelings came rushing back and well I didn't handle myself very well and honestly, I don't think I'm a very mature person when it comes to this friend. I don't think she will ever forgive me and I don't blame her. Maybe I did her a favor by walking away. I realize that even though I thought I was a good friend, I'm not a very good communicator (my need to make everything okay and not cause friction) and even though my friend was going through her own things, I was only worried about how it was in our friendship, not how she was really in her whole life. If that makes sense. I think maybe we are different people now. I know I am.

I've held some very silly and inflated beliefs in myself as a friend. I've always tried to be the best friend that I could be but I think I fail in some ways and I'm selfish in others. I've tried to be a better person and friend in the last few years. I don't give advice and I'm still their for my friends. I work hard at not smothering my friends with trying to win them or make them like me. I used to be insecure and I thought I wasn't with this friend and really I was.

Now my job, my therapy is to forgive myself for not being who I thought I would be. Forgive myself for hurting someone I loved and not feel the regret I've felt these last few months. I hope to grow more. I am facing my flaws, learning from some and embracing others.

I talked to my wellness coach and we are going to start working together again next month. I'm looking forward to this next step of getting healthy.

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