Sunday, February 02, 2014

Not the direction this was supposed to go.

Back in 2009 I was healthy and losing weight. I had lost 60-75 lbs at the time. I can't remember which, it was the second time I had lost weight. I was trying to remember why I had lost the weight. I remember being in such a good place then, happy, exercising. Craving exercise and good nutritious healthy food. I walked everyday.

I did pilates or yoga almost everyday. I journal everything I put in my body. I was happy and eager for the future. We were making plans and we were headed in such an amazing direction. Things went sour and I tried to hang on but it slowly slipped away over the months that winter.

Barely a year went by in a haze and my Dad got sick. If I could have imagined that this would all happen in my life in such a short time I don't know what or how I would have coped. I imagined that I was this very strong person because I always thought that I was. I have always been every one's strength, the shoulder, the rock. And I was just blowing in the wind. This all broke down my barriers, the facade I was hanging on to for so long. My strength seeped away and I was alone and cold and broken.

The depression rolled in like never before. It grew dark after my Dad passed away. I can still remember the moment that it did and it still breaks my heart. I miss him so much. It took me a long time to surface out of this depression. I still moved on but the dark cloud followed me everyday for two years.

During that time I was diagnosed with diabetes, that had finally caught up to me. I was told years ago that because I had gestational diabetes with the my last last two pregnancies that I was 25% more likely to get type 2 diabetes. It was one of the reasons I had made the changes. The doctor had told me and a year later I had it because I didn't do a dam thing got change anything. I was still stuck. I was still muddled in my head.

Even now I can't believe how far I had gone and I'm still paddling my way out of those days. So here I am am and making all the changes finally.

I didn't have meditation and visualization back then. This is a new item to the mix. I hope that any issues that come up will not affect me the way it did back then. I feel strong mentally. It's been tested. My oldest was finally diagnosed with ADHD and well it's just a label. He's still the smart, creative, witty wonderful boy that he always was and I remind him of that as often as he lets me.

I'm had many challenges with the boys and well I feel that I can handle anything that comes my way now. We'll always have struggles and as long as my husband and I are on the same page and helping the boys to practice and improve they will turn out fine. We do a lot of family things together and have one on one time and the boys thrive.

Things happened and I am where I am today. I feel healthy mentally and I'm working everyday to make my body healthier.

This post didn't go in the direction I expected it to but it is what it is.

None of the above quotes are mine. I found them in various place on the internet.

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