When you start this journey, it can be tough to face all your issues. To come to terms with what you have done to your body and your inner self. It's a long and winding journey to say the least. Through my younger years I was self pitying and didn't understand that I make the choices in my life for where I am and the kind of person I am.
I've grown a lot in the last 12 years since I've been with my Husband, partly due to him and his views and partly from my own self discovery and awakening. I'm the kind of person who needs information, I read a lot and make my own conclusions on how I view life.
During the last couple of months I'd become apathetic again about my weight and though I was still monitoring it everyday and thinking about it everyday I did hardly a thing and I put 6lb back on. Recently I started reading Mastering Your Metabolism by Jillian Michael's and I finally found her podcast from her radio show on itunes. If you do a search in the iTunes store for KFI and click on Sunday, you can pick out her pod casts. I've listening to a few and I'm about 1/3 of the way through her book. They have gotten me back on track again and thinking a lot!
So far starting Monday I have been counting calories and have not had a Pepsi since. I'm feeling good and I'm already back down those 6lbs. and hopefully it will continue to go down. I'm feeling good about the decisions I'm making and taking control of my life and making a commitment to this because it's what I want. I know I'm still vulnerable to my old ways but I can plan and compensate, take today for example. I knew that I was meeting a few girlfriends for lunch at the Chinese food buffet. I thought I would eat a lot of the vegetable dishes but still I had a light breakfast that would last, oatmeal and my snack this morning was baby carrots and at lunch I ate more than I should have. I didn't just stick to vegetable dishes but I did compensate for it and that is the big difference. I'll drink more water and eat my apple this afternoon and have a lighter dinner. It is making a difference in how I do things.
Another big thing is I'm cutting junk and processed food from our house, if I don't need the crap then certainly my boys don't need that crap. It'll take a bit for them to get used to it but they'll do fine and so will I.
Jillian's pod casts have me thinking about other things to. Stress and drama and women. Cutting out the drama and saving the stress from your life. Supporting and being supported by women who are positive and influential in our lives. I've always been the kind of person who doesn't get involved with other people drama or those that have strong opinions about things that are different than mine. I let things go that don't affect me and most of it doesn't affect me.
She was talking about women who have to tear other women down to feel good about themselves, women who sabotage others and pull others down with them. It's really very sad. It made me think of that episode from John Stossel's What Would You Do? with the college hazes and the reactions of people. There were guys being hazed in one segment and in the next it was women and would people stand up for them. It was really sad to see that no one helped the women being hazed and in some instances other women joined in. It was very sad and disturbing that women would do that to each other.
I'm very fortunate in my life that I have women who I hang out with and work with who are very supportive of each other whether they agree with each other or not. We state our opinions in such a way that it doesn't hurt others and we have discussions that are important and not trivial. I'm not a big fan of gossip, especially mean gossip but I do get sucked in once in awhile and I try not to be mean, I just like knowing things, not bashing. Still I don't always feel right knowing stuff. If you know what I mean.
Recently on my boards I notice in some places where people bash other people, they are usually women bashing other women, even if they are people on TV. I think, well if you are saying such and such about somebody to me, what are you saying about me when I'm not there. It's a weird world sometimes. In the past I've witnessed below the belt cruelty and that's not nice to see, things that are personal or irrelevant get brought up and that is just sad.
I don't like that stuff so I from now on will stay away from it as best I can, it's off putting. I don't like mean and hurtful things being said about people in real life or on the boards, so I'll just avoid that from now on too and live my life with the people I respect and have friendships with.
I know I talk the big talk sometimes but sometimes I just get my feathers ruffled when I hear about crap that isn't right. I know at the same time I have a lot of work ahead of me in standing up for my boys and for myself. Sometime in October I think, there is a conference in Whitehorse on childcare and there will be a workshop on Advocacy and I really do want to go that.