Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Commitment and Confidence

I have days when I just lose it mentally. Like yesterday, when all of life's disappointments and hurts came bubbling to the surface and I couldn't breath without needing to cry.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and self analyzing and that is not good. Sometimes its okay but then sometimes it might not be. Or, maybe it's a good thing. See, I go in circles wondering what is normal, if I'm normal, if I'm doing something wrong. So that in itself is probably damaging.

I wear my thoughts and emotions pretty close to my heart. Showing emotion was considered babyish, failing was a catastrophe and I was a failure. At some point in my life I had no power and since I had no power, why would I bother to do anything because I wouldn't succeed at it, I would fail and since I'm a failure, I'm worthless and if I'm worthless, why would anyone want to be with me or around me, so then everyone else would fail me to! So why bother?

Toxic thoughts right? Totally, I really don't know where it all stems from but teenage angst, shit yeah, I had it. But no one saw it. What they saw was a moody girl but still pleasant and nice and that's how I've been ever since.

Life for years now has been chaos and I've said this before but I need to make a change and I don't know how. I need my confidence back, that slipped away about a year and a half ago and well, I need it back now thank you very much! I'm tired of the way my mind has been lately and I need to get back in the game.

I have the commitment but I need the stamina and confidence now. So I pledge to myself to start reading again and maybe go see the counselor again. He did let me down too! So I really have to work through some stuff. I'm going to dig out my old journal and start using pen and paper again. Because I have goals and I need to plan!

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