Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Time, Time, Time

We are always busy- busy going from one place to another, busy getting things ready to go from one place to another, busy making tidy, busy cooking, busy cleaning. Sometimes you just get on the ride and don't stop for anything but then you get the reminders that you need to slow down, maybe stop and get off and enjoy the view for awhile. Last night I got one of those reminds.

Tuesdays are my night, after hockey practice that is. I go to my craft night (I'm beading Crows right now for Buddy's vest) do my thing and hang out with the ladies, chit chatting and just unwinding and not having to worry or do for anyone but myself for 2 hours or so. I got home from my recent girl's night out kinda high to my house. All was good, I asked how the boys went down.

Bubba has been sick so he went down not so great. Buddy was out like a light but SmartGuy was upset. He's been looking through his scrapbook because he is working on a timeline of his life for school. He told his Dad he wanted to be a baby again. He wouldn't elaborate with Hubby so in the morning I asked him what was up. He'd written me a short letter telling me he wanted to be a baby again and signed it Sincerely SmartGuy.

I asked him why, he said that he didn't want to be a teenager and then went onto say that he'll be inside all day at his desk and never be able to go outside and get fresh air. It seems odd. I've been thinking about behaviors lately, he does something, I react and he does something else and I react and it just accelerated until we are both a mess. Me from guilt of yelling or grounding or something and him from feeling small because of my reaction. I hate it. Yes, I have guilt. I want my son to succeed, I want him to be confident and the way I'm reacting sometimes doesn't do that.

I'm a pretty emotional person, I'm very empathic to others and I have a hard time keeping it in check but I do it. I really keep myself out of those situations where I'm too emotional. It's hard sometimes and I believe my son is a sensitive soul as well. I know how I felt when I was being yelled at and I don't want him to feel that either. So I've made a pact with myself and I've talked to Hubby about it. We are going to try harder.

I'm not satisfied lately with how life is going in our house. We are busy, we get home do our necessary everyday things to sustain life and then we relax. Usually on the computers or tv and the kids play or watch tv. We dont' interact, we don't talk, we don't play like we used to.

The last two years have been a hard transition for us all and the kids are the ones who have it the worst. I struggle with so much, finding me time, trying to meet the needs of our three boys, trying to keep our house liveable, trying to pay the bills and deal with my own stress and emotions. It's hard sometimes. I've dealt with depression and going back to work. Meanwhile, the kids are suffering because of my own selfishness but at the same time we do a lot for them and with them. But maybe it just isn't enough.

Or more it's not the right kind of together with them time. I need to change my evening time with them so it's more enjoyable and together. Parenting just isn't going the way I want it to go and it's time for a change.

Whether I have a lot on my plate right now with work, weightloss, working on projects and the like, this is worth it.

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